Becoming the Sun

Last July, I started a victory chart to chant my way to a strong and confident self with the firm belief in my Buddha nature. My determination for victory came on the heels of the largest obstacle I have ever faced—one that took my fundamental darkness by the hand and led it into the light.

My husband of 7 years told me that he no longer loved me and was not happy. He stated he wasn't coming home and didn't want to be married anymore.

The devastation I felt was all encompassing. He was my best friend. My son was going to turn 3 years old in one week and my daughter was only 2 months old. I was shocked and unable to comprehend his choice.

He left and didn't come home for two days. When he returned, he packed his belongings, rolled up his Gohonzon and left. Within two days, on my 27th birthday, he had moved in with his girlfriend. Anger consumed my every thought. I chanted for him to suffer and found my own suffering was amplified.

I sought guidance from my seniors in faith and was reminded that in the world of Anger, Buddhahood also exists. I had to manifest the enlightened side of my anger. My sisters were with me every step of the way, often dragging me before the Gohonzon to chant.

My divorce was granted, and I received full custody of my children with my ex having visitation rights. I felt less angry and was chanting for our shared happiness. Then, my ex called me and told me he didn’t want to see our children anymore. I found out later he had gotten married to his girlfriend three weeks after our divorce was finalized, and she was pregnant.

I tore up my victory chart in an angry fit in front of the Gohonzon. I left for work the next day, and my sisters painstakingly taped my chart back together and placed it on my altar. They showed it to me, and said, “This is what anger does to victory.”

The guidance from my mentor, SGI President Ikeda, which my sisters and I often read to one another, states:

Be like the sun, for the sun shines on serenely even though not all the stars will reflect back its light, and even though some of its brilliance seems to emanate only into empty space. You will find that those who reject the radiant light of your friendship will naturally fade out of your lives. But the more you shine your light, the more brilliant your lives will become (Discussions on Youth, vol. 1, p. 84).

I feel appreciation for this obstacle in my life. It has shown me, that my faith is strong and so am I. I am chanting for my ex and his new wife to practice this Buddhism. I am chanting for compassion and fortune for her children. My bucket list also includes my children having a good relationship with their father and for his happiness. None of these goals will be accomplished quickly, but I will be victorious. I no longer wish for his suffering and during those moments I am angry, I picture the sun.

Name: Clairissa Korrell
Length of practice: 27 yrs practice
Region/District: Olympic Cascade/Allenmore District